Dang You Monkey.

Monkeys make great companions, just not on long road trips.

They are fine till you stop at the Sonic drive through and buy them dinner.

Then for the next 70 miles it is nothing but a constant storm of french fries flying from the back seat. You’d think banana shakes would be high on his list of favorites. Oddly enough he likes french fries or better yet, chilli cheese fries.

First he hits you in the head with a fry and finally he just flings them at the windshield where they bounce back in your face.

Normally, I maintained my patience with the monkey, but I had just paid for the french fries and if the monkey is going to waste them, then I will give them to someone who will actually eat them.

At this point I turned around and gently asked the monkey if he would like some ketchup on his french fries. He tried to be cute by pulling his lower lip down and making a gurgle noise. So I asked him again, “Do you want some ketchup on your french fries?”

Finally, the monkey gave me a big smile and shook his head yes. So I pulled out a couple ketchup packets from the bag and squirted them on his french fries which seemed to please him because he got quiet. I figured he was quiet because he was eating his food.

Suddenly, a slice of pickle with ketchup on it flew out from the back seat and stuck to the windshield in front of me.

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the monkey had pulled the bun off his hamburger and was picking at the toppings. I flipped down my sun visor, because it had a bigger mirror. I just glared at him and said “Monkey, I don’t know what you’re upset about, you always get pickles on your hamburger! If you don’t eat that hamburger, then you’ll just go hungry because I’m not stopping somewhere down the road.”

One thing I’ve become aware of is that it is ok to let monkeys drink pop or Kool-Aid at home. They are able to run around the house or yard and burn off the sugar energy. In the car, though, is another story.

I made the mistake of letting the monkey go into the truck stop when we pulled in to get gas. I was standing there, filling the car with gas. I thought I’d only given the monkey enough change to get some M&M’s. The next thing I knew was here comes the monkey out of the truck stop with a Super 44 oz drink cup full of…….you guessed it……..Pepsi. On top of that, he’d completely forgotten to get me the M&M’s…………Dang you monkey!

As he walked past me to the car I said, “Hey, what about the M&M’s?” He just ignored me and climbed back in the car.

I decided to go on and leave the truck stop without my M&M’s, but I wasn’t too happy about it. As I started the car and got my seatbelt back on, I heard the distinctive chatter of monkey calls. So I quickly pulled down my visor and looked in the mirror at the monkey. He was sitting there holding his large drink while making his eyebrows go up and down. He did this while smiling.

I looked out the side window and saw two young college age girls in a red Dodge Charger. I yelled back at monkey and told him to knock off the monkey business with the college girls. After all……….. he was way too old for them.

He didn’t like being reminded of his age. He began jumping up and down in the back seat while making monkey calls. The girls in the Charger began to laugh and wave at him as I pulled away.

“Settle down monkey, you’ll just”………..too late…….the Pepsi cup lid came off and pop went everywhere! It was all over the monkey and the backseat was soaked. I then lost my temper and began lecturing him, “I warned you about the monkey business and now look at the mess!”

I had no choice now, but to have the monkey sit in the front seat. I know this isn’t something you normally see going down the road.

It isn’t reccomended that you drive with a monkey in the front seat because of safety considerations, but I thought I had no other choice.

So I had him climb over and get in the front seat.

We continued our trip going west on I-70 toward Denver. After an hour or so I noticed the same red Dodge Charger pull up and begin to pass me. I looked over and could see those same two girls smiling and waving. So I smiled and waved back. The girls then began to laugh and sped on past me.

Suddenly, I realized that the monkey had taken off his seatbelt and was wagging his rear end in the direction of the girls…………Dang you monkey!

Put your pants back on, right this minute!

Grudgingly and with a lot of monkey grumbling he put his pants back on.

Our trip continued westward as the sun set. I decided to pull off the interstate at Goodland near the Colorado border. I felt like stopping at the Waffle House. I knew the monkey liked waffles, so we ought to be able to have a quiet supper.

I don’t know about you, but when I walk into a popular resturant like the Waffle House, with a monkey, I expect there’ll be a wait. To my surprise we were seated quickly. I requested a booth and not a table. You don’t have to worry about the monkey tipping back on his chair and showing off by balancing on two legs of the chair.

The waitress came up to us and asked to take our order. She was chewing gum and didn’t seem too happy with us being there at one of her boothes. I tried to overlook her sour attitude. I understood that she expected a larger group in one of their spacious boothes and not just me and the monkey. She may have worried that we didn’t tip well. I didn’t tell her, but she was lucky we both still had our pants on.

I then ordered waffles and the monkey pointed to pancakes and french fries on the menu. I told him absolutely not, after all the flying fries in the back seat earlier in the trip.

So the monkey and I both had waffles.

We had a pleasant supper with lots of butter and syrup on the waffles. I had coffee with my dinner, but got the monkey some juice. We’d have no more monkey business in the car regarding girls in passing cars.

As we left, a lady leaned over and said, “I like your friend, he’s cute.” I thought she was talking to the monkey and said “well, Thank You. I think you’re kind of cute too!”

The woman instantly frowned and leaned back in her seat as though repelled by some terrible smell and said, “I wasn’t talking about you!”……..

I just gritted my teeth and pulled the monkey along by his hand as he grinned at the woman and raised his eyebrows up and down…………Dang you monkey!

We got in the car and pulled back onto the interstate. We continued west toward Denver.

I had the monkey watching the map. I figured, however, it would be hard to get lost on interstate till we got into Denver. As I drove west through the night, the monkey finally went to sleep.

We got into Denver about 7:00 AM in the morning. We hit the morning commuter traffic at the worst time. The traffic was terrible. I told the monkey to wake up and help me navigate the traffic, which was getting worse.

There was one lane far to the left that seemed to have less traffic on it. The vehicles in that lane seemed to move quicker than the rest of the highway. I decided to signal and pulled into the far left lane.

It was great. There was far less traffic using it and we were able to slide along passing the other lanes quickly. I’d driven a couple miles in this super quick lane when I noticed red flashing lights coming up behind me quickly.

I watched in my mirror and realized it was the Colorado Highway Patrol. I wasn’t worried, though. I had been driving well within the speed limit and I was wearing my seatbelt. I looked over at the monkey. Fortunately, he still had his pants on and was secured in his seatbelt. What could possibly be wrong?

I slowed down and pulled off onto the shoulder of the highway. I looked in my mirror and watched the trooper put on his big round brimmed hat and climb out of his patrol car. He walked up to my window and asked for my license and insurance.

I handed the trooper my license, but asked him to wait while the monkey found the insurance card in the glove compartment. I then told the monkey to get in the glove box and get the insurance card for the trooper.

I was feeling a little anxious, but the monkey seemed cool as a cucumber. He began digging and pulled out the slip of paper. He handed it to me and I nervously handed it to the trooper.

The trooper frowned and asked if I was trying to bribe him. I said, ” no, of course not.” The trooper handed the paper back to me and instead of insurance, it was a coupon for a freee Route 44 drink at Sonic……………Dang you monkey!

I looked over and the monkey just sat there quietly laughing at me. I told him through gritted teeth to quit screwing around. He just looked at me and grinned. He started raising his eyebrow raises one eye and then the other. I told him, “Knock off the funny business monkey………and leave your pants right where they are.”

After all this drama and an obviously aggravated state trooper standing at my window, I remembered the insurance card was in my wallet. I opened it back up and right behind my library card was the insurance.

The trooper took my card and license back to his car. I looked back at him in my rear view mirror and I could see that he was writing a ticket. This couldn’t be happening! There was nothing wrong with my license and the insurance was paid and valid.

I sat there and looked over at the monkey who had pulled down his visor and was licking his fingers and smoothing out the hair on his head.

After several long minutes the trooper came back to the car window. He handed my license and insurance back to me. He then told me he was issuing a traffic citation.

WHAT???…… I was upset and wanted to know just exactly what I’d done to violate the Colorado Traffic Code? He grimly looked at me and said “You were using the car pool lane with only one passenger.

NOOOOOOOO!!!……………But there were two of us in the car. Me and the monkey!!

The trooper just shook his head and said there was only one passenger in the car. “But officer, I pleaded, there were two of us. The monkey and me!”

He wasn’t having any of it. I could see he was intent on issuing this ticket.

So, I reluctantly signed the ticket and pulled away. I was furious. I was so mad I could hardly speak.

Finally, I said, “I distinctly remember you saying the cops would never know the difference. After all, who is stupid enough to take a monkey on a road trip?”

He was right!…………..Dang you monkey!!

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